So Hypnotizing
by MementoxMori
Summary: WARNING there is DA2 ending spoilers. Part 1/? Summary: What if a broken heart wasn't all that Anders left behind? Fem!Hawke/Fenris, Fem!Hawke/Anders
1. Chapter 1

The solitude of silence that enveloped Jezika was divine. She hadn't had much in the way of silence lately. With the destruction of the chantry in Kirkwall and the blatant insanity that Knight-Commander Meredith had shown, it was no surprise.

It was a miracle that Jezika hadn't gone mad herself in the days that passed since the incident.

The events were disastrous, hundreds of the innocent and guilty alike perished. Jezika didn't even want to think about those who were in the chantry when Anders blew it up like a beacon.

How could he?

And they all expected her to kill him. How could she?

She was in love with him, or had been before he betrayed her – betrayed them all. It should have been easy, she should have done it right after it happened, or when Sebastian urged her to. But, she couldn't.

And she made enemies because of it, powerful ones at that.

Of course, she couldn't let any of the others know that. Especially not with her growing love for Fenris, and his ever growing hate for the mages. It was ironic, really, if one looked at it. Jezika was a mage, as had been her sister and her father. Her brother left her to join the templars, and her mother had been killed by a psychotic blood mage. She should hate the mages, and she did – the blood mages, at least.

If her life were any more fucked up, someone could write a tale about it.

Oh wait; Varric had already planned to do that for her.

It wasn't bad enough that she was an apostate, but with a mage having killed hundreds in his little quest to free them, he condemned them all. Of course, before she killed Meredith, survival would have been a bit more difficult.

The guilty party in all of this, however, was dead.

Fenris all but guided her hand himself. Inwardly, she hated him for it. The pain of that moment caused her eyes to close, and she clutched her fists atop her knees. A low glow surrounded her, and her eyes squeezed shut.

Something inside of her stirred, it caused the power that radiated from her to flare up and out. She had been so lost in the moment that she couldn't sense Fenris coming up behind her. His hand fell to her shoulder as he crouched behind her that Jezika jumped and gasped. The magic retreated as quickly as it had come, bless Andraste for it.

Turning her head, emerald eyes caught hers and the look that crinkled Fenris' brow showed something that few ever saw; genuine concern.

"Are you…okay?"

Licking her lips, Jezika nodded. "I am, now. Thank you. I was just thinking."

The constant glow that Fenris' markings emitted lit up the room and there were bottles scattered everywhere. "Thinking, hm?"

Her shoulders rolled in a shrug, "What can I say? Isabela rubbed off on me."

"I don't know if I should be worried about that, or not."

Snorting, Jezika all but rolled her eyes. "I'm not going to do anything more stupid than what I have already done." There was a challenge in her voice as she pulled herself to her feet.

"Thankfully."

Anger flared within her again and she cut her honey eyes at him. "What is that supposed to mean?"

His head shook, causing his snowy hair to shift over his eyes. "Nothing. I'm sorry."

Another disapproving sound escaped Jezika's lips as she walked around him and out of the room. "Always sorry. I should be used to it by now." They had never really seen eye to eye on much. When she was against the templars, he hated her. When she sided with her own people, he hated her.

He was almost as hard to please as Carver was, sometimes.

"I'm going to assume that it's the wine talking." He never raised his voice at her, ever. But, there was that _tone_ he held sometimes. He scolded her like a child with that _tone._ Jezika couldn't stand it; it was as bad as the disapproving looks she received most of the time.

That's all it took for Jezika to retort back at Fenris. Her honey eyes flared with anger, and she snapped at him, her voice so full of venom it could have killed a common man. "Why are you even with me, if you're always butting heads with me? Every step of the way, I always had to wonder if what I did or said would piss you off. Everything I chose to do, I did with you in the back of my mind. I even stood up against my brother, biting my own tongue to agree with what he said because of _you._" She nearly spat. "I did what _you_ wanted me to do about Anders, after all. I killed him, because I couldn't stand for you to do it. I didn't want to give you the satisfaction." The look on Jezika's face hinted at the deep-rooted hatred she felt.

Her words actually hurt him, and for the first time Fenris actually showed it across his features. His brow furrowed again, and there was a slight twitch to his eyes. Studying her face, Fenris closed his eyes with a sigh and a shake of his head; he left her alone in the darkened room to dwell on just what she said, he would be damned if he let her see him hurt by her outburst.

Fenris loved her, more than he had anyone. And he trusted her, which was the reason he was still there. He would follow her into the Void itself if she asked him to. His problem, however, was showing it to her. Showing her the emotions he felt. His former life of servitude didn't give him much opportunity to learn how to handle relationships. And he paid for it in spades.

When Jezika was alone, she stopped and furrowed her brows. Had she really said those words to him? That didn't sound like her, while she _was_ mad at him for the choice he forced on her, she would never say it aloud, let alone speak to him like that. She loved him, she really did.

That wasn't like her…

"What's wrong with me?"

Raising her hand to her forehead, she pushed her fingertips into her temples and closed her eyes. Being a mage, she was always wary about things. Could it be demons? Was there something wrong with her?

"Fen… Fenris?" She called out softly. There was no response.

She really hadn't expected one.

Trying to swallow the sinking feeling, she left the room and looked around the empty estate. Her mother was gone, her Mabari was gone, and the dwarves had left as well. "Fenris?" She called out again, letting her gaze sweep the room. Her head was swooning and she gripped the doorway for support before she entered her room – their room.

Outside, the caress of twilight was on the horizon, though the fires throughout Kirkwall still smoldered, their embers could be seen in and around the buildings that surrounded her Hightown estate. In the last bit of light, she could see Fenris on the balcony, sitting upon the railing. He was looking out over what was left of the city, "We caused this, you know. You know it as I do. What I asked of you was hard, I know. I knew all along that it would come down to something like this. Anders… he was unstable, and I know you knew that. You had to have." He never turned to face her, and she never stepped toward him. "Unless there was something clouding your judgment." There was no flux to his voice, he spoke to her like he always had.

"I don—" Fenris cut off Jezika's words with a shake of his head.

"I may not be the smartest, but I'm far from stupid. I saw the way you looked at him, the way you spoke to and about him. You even went to see him without the others. I knew." There was pain in his voice, raw and vulnerable. "But yet, here I remain at your side. Even though I did not, nor do I, agree with the choices you have made. I stay. Through your lies and half-truths. Your constant flirting with him and Isabela… I've even accepted the fact that I'm…in love with a mage." He laughed, though it was as far from a happy sound as one could get. "You broke me down, Jezika. I was so set in my ways, and I had reasons for it. But, you got through my walls and I let you in. I went against everything I knew, everything I told myself. I did it because I fell in love with you." Varric and Isabella used to tease him about his brooding, and maybe he did.

But, he had reason enough to do it.

"Fenris, I—"

"Don't. Don't say anything unless you mean it – don't say it unless you mean it. I can't stand for you to lie to me, not about that." There was raw emotion in his voice. The lyrium markings glowed brightly, which usually happened when he was upset. His body turned and he slipped off of the banister and moved toward Jezika, he was dressed in nothing but the pants she had made for him to wear around the estate. He stopped just before Jezika, and looked down at her. She was not much shorter than he was. Jezika had been the first person that had ever seen him naked, and the first person he had ever been comfortable enough with to let touch his markings. Reaching out, he cupped her face gently in his hands, his eyes full of sadness and insecurity. "Do you love me, Jezika?"

"I've never loved anything or anyone more." She spoke softly and raised her hands to place over his. The moment she said those words, that red-hot searing pain ripped through her head and she faltered, almost falling to the ground. A scream tore from her throat as a red light crackled over her skin. "LIAR!" a voice that was not her own boomed from her lips and as soon as it all began, the light faded and Jezika crumpled unconscious to the ground like a puppet with no strings.

Fenris had no words, he just stared at Jezika before realization hit him. What was going on? He scooped her up off the floor and took her to the bed and laid her upon it. Had she finally succumbed to blood magic?

He prayed to Andraste and the Maker, whichever one would listen that she would be okay. He couldn't lose her now, he couldn't.


	2. Chapter 2

"I know why you're here." Anders said softly as Jezika stepped into his Darktown clinic. "He sent you. I knew it was only a matter of time." It was as quiet in the slums as she'd ever heard it. The action was at the Gallows where the streets still ran red with blood. "But why did he send you? Was it to torture me one last time?" There were tears brimming in his amber eyes as he cast his gaze from Jezika.

"Where did you go?" There was concern in her voice, under the anger and the hurt. "Better yet, why? Why did you manipulate me? I would have done what you wanted me to do without the lies."

His head shook, "No, you wouldn't have. It was a step I knew you wouldn't take – maybe it was a step I shouldn't have taken. But I knew it had to happen. Something had to change to show that we're not to be pushed around."

"And blowing up the chantry proved that we're harmless?" It was backwards thinking, and Jezika didn't quite understand the logic. "You, a mage, just blew up the chantry. Filled with innocent people. People who supported mages! How is that supposed to accomplish anything but getting us all killed?" Brows furrowed as Jezika shook her head. Loose tendrils of fiery red hair slipped over her shoulders. Raising her arm, she grasped her staff and laid it on one of the tables before she stepped closer to him.

"It had to be done, there was no other way around it."

"You used me, Anders. You lied to me and betrayed me – manipulated me to do something so… so…. Horrific." There was a look that passed across her features as she tipped her chin down so he couldn't see the extent of it.

"You're the one who begged me to let you help."

"What?" Her gaze snapped up, "Now it's _my_ fault? Because I wanted to help you with something that was important to you… Something _you_ wouldn't tell me about. But, yet, it's _my_ fault?" an incredulous sound erupted from her throat and a rather… chaffing tone entered her voice and she all but laughed. "I may have made some pretty fucked up decisions since meeting all of you, but I really don't see how blowing up the chantry was at all my fault." Her words still all but purred from between her lips, but the feeling behind them was something else.

"That's…"

Jezika all but stomped her foot at him. "Don't even try and say 'That's not what I meant…" or 'That's not how I meant it!' because if you do… I will wallop you one so bad with my stick, you have no idea." There was a fierce seriousness that could be seen in her honey gold eyes that warned Anders not to push her. It was a bit childish, she realized. But, it was frustrating and Jezika had really reached her bullshit level for her lifetime.

"O-okay." He perked his brows just a bit as he stared at her. That was really the first time he had seen her outburst like that since he met her. It almost scared him just a bit. He wasn't sure how to handle it, nor what to say that wouldn't make her zap him down where he stood. "I'm sorry, for all its worth."

Jezika jutted out her right hip and folded her arms just below the swell of her breasts as she looked at Anders, as she couldn't believe those two words that fell from his lips. She had taken a page from Isabela's fashion book, so her hands fell atop the hem of the deep plum and emerald corset-like tunic that ended high on her thighs and laced up the front. Black dyed animal skin boots molded to her legs to her knees, it definitely wasn't something typical mages wore. Her cloak was that same deep emerald color as part of her tunic, and the hood lay loose against her back and hidden under her hair.

It was Anders could do to _not_ look at Jezika, he hadn't noticed just what she was wearing until he really took a good look at her. He was so used to her finery or her armor that this had been a shock to him. However, he had been too busy trying to divert her anger so she wouldn't kill him with the daggers that threatened to fling from her stare. But, he was a man and his eyes wandered down her body and over her curves.

"Uh. I see that Isabela let you raid her closet, it seems."

"Actually, she had these made for me. A gift, of sorts." A mischievous smile curled her lush lips; before her face went serious once more and she shook her head, "Quit changing the subject." Her arms unfolded and she gestured with her gloved finger toward her face. "Eyes up here." She paused a moment and stepped closer to Anders, her boots softly clacking on the ground as she moved. "You're sorry? Is that all? Sorry." The tip of her tongue wet across her lips as she reached up to pinch the bridge of her nose. "I don't think that any amount of saying 'I'm sorry' is going to fix this. A lot of people are looking for your head. Saving your ass cost me the anger of Starkhaven and it's bratty prince. It cost me the anger of the templars, of which my brother is still in their ranks."

"I'm an apostate mage who let a murderous apostate mage live." She didn't even give Anders a chance to speak. "I risked my own head to save yours. Even our companions threatened to leave because of the choice I made. To save you." Anders had to see it from Jezika's perspective. She laid her life on the line for him, and he lied to her. Betrayed her. Even after confessing that he loved her and that she should choose him over Fenris. "I've been saving your ass since I met yo—" Jezika hadn't seen Anders move, but her words were suddenly cut off when she felt his lips press feverishly against her own. It took her by surprise and her reaction was delayed for a heartbeat before her arms curled about his shoulders. Leaning into the kiss, a small-strangled noise seeped from her lips before she pulled away to look up at his face. It was so raw with need and full of vulnerability.

But, underneath it all was fear.

"I know why you've come, Jezika. I know what needs to be done. I can't run from what I am, what I did… I don't even know if it was Justice or if it was me that caused the wheel to begin moving." He didn't step back from Jezika, he kept his lips hovering just above hers before he began speaking again. "He had always said he disapproved of my obsession with you. He thought of you a distraction… something that would keep me from the ultimate goal. But, I ignored him. I pushed him back, as deep within myself as I could. Because I couldn't let you go." His hands cupped her cheeks, and his thumbs brushed against her skin. "I love you more than I've ever loved anything. I would sooner die than to watch you walk away from me. I would do anything to keep from hurting you again. I know I betrayed your trust, but know that I had to do it. I didn't want you down this path, Jezika. You deserve better than that, you always have."

A tear actually slowly carved its path along the stubble that lined Anders' jaw. He cried silently and shook his head. "I told you from the beginning that I was no good for you. That you would only end up hurt. But you pushed and pushed at me until I couldn't hold back anymore." His voice shook as he drew his touch away and balled his hands into fists. "I never dared fall in love. I told you that the Circle gladly held it against anyone who dared show they cared for anything. I never thought I would find someone who was so much like myself. Someone who I didn't have to hide anything from, that I could be myself around. No pretenses." Closing his eyes, his voice cracked and he turned away from Jezika so abruptly that she was nearly caught off balance.

"Would you do me one favor before you finish what you were sent to do?"

Hawke had no words, for once, she watched Anders' with a level of heartbreak that was immeasurable. Her head nodded, "Anything." The word was a ghost of a whisper on her lips. She was struggling with her emotions at the moment.

"Stay with me tonight. Give me… just one more night with you. Give me something to remember as I die, please." His head dropped as he kept his back to her. "I know that you love Fenris, I can see it in the way you look at him. I don't know why, but I accept it." He took a deep breath and looked over his shoulder at her. "But, I know that somewhere inside of you… You love me, too." Nodding, certain in his conviction, he stepped away from her and toward his makeshift room.

Jezika knew that she should be ashamed of what she was doing. But, if that's what he wanted, she owed it to him. After all, she was sent there to kill him.

"You know, I loved you from the very first night. And the more I fought it, the more I lost myself around you. You… broke me, Jezika. You broke me down until I couldn't resist you. I faltered in my thoughts, about what I thought I had to accomplish. All I wanted was you. To run away from it all, just to be with you." The sad smile spread across his lips. "But, I realized something. You're not mine, you never have been. At least you've never admitted it to yourself."

Entering the room behind him, she reached up to unclasp the cloak and she tossed it over one of the chairs. Anders circled behind her, his fingertips tracing a faint line against the back of her shoulders. "But, remember…" Jezika's shoulder flinched just slightly under his touch, she could sense the flux of Anders' attitude, and she had to wonder if it was really Anders or not. Jezika knew that he had asked for her help to gather ingredients for the spell to separate Justice from him, but he had never let her know of the outcome of it. She assumed it was a success, she assumed that that was the reason for it – he told her it was, but after what had happened… She wasn't sure she could completely trust him. And she really hadn't followed up on it.

"The more you shake, the more you give away…" He leaned down and kissed the bared skin of her neck.

Jezika could deny it all she wanted to, but she knew the truth. Her body responded in ways her heart didn't wish her to. A shiver flowed through her body like lightning and it caused a small gasp to part her lips. Her head lilted to the side to allow him more room. There were tears in her own eyes, they threatened to spill over and she shook again, turning her head away from Anders.

"You know, the more you turn away. The more I want you to stay."

The tremble began to get worse. Tugging on her lower lip, she bit down hard enough that she tasted the copper-sweet pang of blood. Squeezing her eyes shut, she felt the searing lines of tears fall down her cheeks. It was hard to tell whether she was upset about what she agreed to, or upset about what she had to do.

They were one in the same.

Truly, she loved Fenris, more than she had anyone. He completed a part of herself that she thought she was missing. What caused her to fall into the arms of the man in front of her was a mystery, at least in part. The Anders she fell in love with was not the Anders that lied and betrayed her, yet… Yet she couldn't walk away.

Maybe she thought there was still a part of him that could be saved.

She had no words at that point; she could feel his breath on her skin and something low and intimate in her body fluttered. She wanted him, Maker she did. A small prayer was said and hopefully He would forgive her.

Hopefully Fenris would forgive her, as well.

Turning, Jezika reached up and gripped Anders by the back of his head and tugged him down to her. She pressed her lips against his, and after she loosened the corset she intimately pressed her body against his. "No more talking." She whispered against his lips. A low rumble sounded in his chest before he gripped his hands below the curve of her rear and lifted her from the ground. Wrapping her legs around his waist, she didn't let her lips leave his as he moved them to the bed.

"I've been waiting for you to be the one to come to me…for a very long time." He whispered to her, "Despite the circumstances."

Shaking her head, Jezika placed a finger over his lips. "I know." She smiled up to him and cupped his face in her hands. He quickly removed his robes as he laid another kiss to her lips.

It was a bittersweet moment; Jezika could feel the stinging of tears in her eyes. It would be the last time she would ever see Anders. She would be the last thing he ever sees again.

And it was breaking her heart.

Morning came all too soon, and she sat at the edge of the bed. Anders stirred behind her and sat up. "Did you sleep?"

Jezika shook her head.

"I'm at peace with it, Jezika. It's what must be done, I accept it." He moved to sit behind her and kissed her shoulder again, tenderly. "If I must die, I would gladly accept my fate if it's by your hand." His voice was too steady, too sure. He was accepting the fact that he was going to die – that she was going to kill him.

The sobs started again, and her face fell to her hands. "I don't know if I can do it."

Anders sighed, "You must."

Shaking her head, her fiery hair spilled over her shoulders. "No!" standing up from the bed, she turned to him. "You're breaking my heart, Anders. I can't do this… I can't." She knew she should, Maker knew that it needed to happen. She just wasn't strong enough to be the one who had to do it. Jezika had taken many lives since coming to Kirkwall, but she was never intimately close to any of them. Granted, she would lay her own life on the line for any of them, but she didn't know if she had the nerve to do this.

Sliding from the bed, Anders looked down at Jezika. "It will pass, trust me." He soothed his hands over her hair and kissed the top of her head.

"I will never forgive myself for this – I can't do it." She dropped her hands away and took a step back. She couldn't do it. Jezika would rather face Fenris and lie to him than to kill Anders. "I just can't."

Knowing that it must be done, he did the only thing he could think of to break Jezika's resolve. He stepped close to her one last time, "No matter what happens Jezika, know this; I love you. I'll love you until the day that I die." He bent to place a final kiss to her lips, there was a spark of magic between them and it caught Jezika by surprise. She jumped and raised her fingertips to her lips.

Furrowing her brows, Jezika looked up at him. "What… What was that? What's that supposed to mean?" She hardly got the statement out as Anders closed his eyes and as soon as they opened again, they were drowning in an azure light. That light radiated and crackled across Anders' skin and Jezika all but leapt back from him.

"Justice!" She cried out and backed up another step.

Justice curled Anders' lips back in a malicious grin. "I told him you would betray him. That you were a danger to us." His voice growled from the depths of his throat. "He didn't want to believe me. He wanted to run away with you, steal you away from the little wolf for his own. I can't allow that to happen, you see."

"I thought…I thought he had ridden himself of you." Jezika's voice was panicked and she backed up until she hit the wall.

His head shook, and that grin remained. "He lied to you. He could never be rid of me, Jezika. We are one. But, now that he is vulnerable enough – weak enough, I could come out. I could stop you." His hand rose, and that same azure light enveloped his fingertips.

"You have to die. I'm sorry; I know he'll hate me for this. But, it must be done." Justice slammed that magic into Jezika and all she could feel was the biting sting of ice stab through her chest. Shallow breaths caused her lungs to fill with pain, it was getting harder and harder to breathe.

"No… Justice, don't…"

"He'll never be free of you if you are still alive. I acknowledge that the little wolf will hunt me down for this, but I can handle him."

Fear gripped Jezika, and she closed her eyes. Her own hands came up and she pressed them against Anders' chest. Before she knew it, she forced one of her hands right through his chest. Her own arm glowed with a pale golden light.

Anders' body jerked with the impact and his eyes went wide. The glow faded away and he was Anders again. For a moment, at least, "Thank…you." His body sunk to the ground, and Jezika collapsed with him.

"What did you do?" She cried and pulled her hand from his chest.

"I…I knew you wouldn't do it for me, so I thought that if I scared you – if I gave you that push, you would do what needs to be done." He smiled weakly. "I'm – I'm sorry I lied to you. I love you." His last breath hissed softly from his lips, and suddenly there was nothing left.

Consciousness hit Jezika like a herd of nugs, "NO!" She cried out and shot straight up in bed. Her breath caught in her chest and she looked blankly around the darkened room. Fenris stood up so quickly from his chair, he knocked it over behind him. Isabela was in the opposite corner with a pile of letters in her lap, asleep with her head on Varric's shoulder.

"Jezika?" He asked, concern and relief laced his words.

"Mmh?" Reaching up, she rubbed her eyes and finally focused on him. She smiled, though there were fresh tears staining her cheeks.

"Are you…?"

Nodding, Jezika pulled her knees to her chest and pressed the palms of her hands against her eyes. "How long was I out?"

"Almost a week."

"What?" That got her attention. Jezika's head snapped up as Fenris approached the bed, she slid over and he soon lay next to her.

Nodding his head, he kissed her temple and sighed. "I don't understand what happened. I… I went to Merrill and asked her to see if you were… okay." Fenris was worried, and he was trying hard to not let her hear it in his voice. Though, he wouldn't let Jezika know just how much he hated going to the blood mage for anything.

"And?"

His head shook as he brushed his fingers through her hair. At the moment, he was just happy she was back. For the first time, he was scared that everything he cared about would be ripped away from him – again.

"Fenris?"

"Yes?"

"I love you. And I'm sorry." Her voice softened as she closed her eyes, trapping the tears before they fell. "I'm so sorry."

"Shh." He soothed her and laid her head against his chest. "You have no reason to be sorry. I love you, too."

Jezika had fallen back to sleep with Fenris at her side, holding on to her as tight as he could. He had never been so afraid before, and he would never let her go again.

Varric was awake; he looked over at Fenris with a questionable look. Fenris shook his head at the dwarf. There would be time for questions later.

"Come on, sunshine. Time for bed." Varric whispered as he all but hauled Isabela off so he could deposit her in her room before heading to The Hanged Man. Honestly, he was just happy Jezika woke up.

Noticing something in the corner of the room, the dwarf eyed Anders' staff that had been propped up against the wall. It was glowing. The faint crimson light that engulfed the twisted wood pulsed – much akin to a heartbeat.


End file.
